so happy am i !

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ah... so good is life.

attitude

The longer I live,

the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me,

is more important than facts.

It is more important than the past,

the education, the money,

than circumstances, than failure, than successes,

than what other people think or say or do.

It is more important than appearance,

giftedness or skill.

It will make or break a company...

a church... a home.

The remarkable thing is

we have a choice everyday regarding

the attitude we will embrace for that day.

We cannot change our past...

we cannot change the fact

that people will act in a certain way.

We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is

play on the one string we have,

and that is our attitude.

I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me

and 90% of how I react to it.

And so it is with you...

we are in charge of our Attitudes.

this past week
i learned something new -
white lies,
little lies,
big lies
every lie -
cuts like a knife

ruthlessly. mercilessly.

i hid in fear.
i was kept in the dark.
i begged for the closure
no one thought i deserved.

finding out the truth
hurts twice as much.
the human heart
really hides a sword.

ardent vent

figured id write something for may

since my average has been a blog a month

most of my blogs seem to be dark, desperate reflections

i thought id try something new

ive been following this political piece since day one

and its been making my blood boil since

aung san suu kyi

its not fair! not fair! not fair!

progression has such a great price to it

this one was far too much to pay for -

stubborn military leaders straining the country by the neck

one dumb american who thought he saw the light

and a hopeful advocate sitting in house arrest for 13 years.

its time to release her and burma!

Arrrgh !

lil lam

this april

4 years ago an old friend left his job in burbank
and ventured off to china to teach english

soon after losing communication with him
i too ended up in taiwan teaching english.

this person has always been in my thoughts
ive always wondered about his tracks and wellbeing.

the last time i saw him was 4 years ago
we had a conversation over a pitcher of beer
about what he coined emotional baggage.

this week he told me he is well,
returned a better person, and has moved on.

i was sincerely happy to hear that.


h.lam

january post

so the year starts off for me as is

and it is what it is sometimes

keshi wo jingtian zhende bu kaixin -

anyway - happy '09

hlam

the other taiwan

sometime last week the weather was rainy and murky, and i laid in bed without a purpose -
an old feeling came over me that brought me back to taiwan.

i rarely talk about taiwan, and if i did id only rave about whats expected -
the food, the experience to travel, the youth to see the world,
and all that other way too familar cliches.

i grew up in a family where love & care, heart aches & breaks,
feelings and emotions, failure and shame were never talked about.
when running into these experiences, they morphed into predicaments
i could not understand, explain, process, and accept.
so i did what everyone does best- ran

i arrived in taiwan early february. taiwan was no different.
i still had the same shadow. i had the same reflection in the mirror.
i could still feel the same limbs when waking up,
and that familar morning foot sore from an old injury.

i thought i had filtered out the noises - family, friends, my so-called career.
feelings of idleness and sadness. but there was still so much emptiness.

i had one friend. i lived alone in a 2 story studio.
taiwan was always overcast and showers.
most mornings are disrupted by drums and chants
by family members marching the streets as part of a funeral custom.
in the evenings dump trunks parade the streets with jingles blasting from loud-speakers
reminding you to wait at the curb with your garbage and recyclelabes.
i could hear the rain, the dead, and the dumpster -

i take the same walks and hikes because i only recognize one path.
i only go to one mall, one market, one movie theatre,
because i only knew how to take one bus route.
i could only go to taipei and back because i couldnt stand on a train for over an hr.

those six months were difficult. i hiked alot and stayed in bed alot.
id lay awake in a fetal position and wonder what the hell i was doing on this island.
sleeping pills helped me sleep for 12 hours straight
and if i woke up before the 12th hour, i'd be crabby and groggy the whole day.

on holidays, and days like valentines, and mothers day id spend alone.
i took my camera and took hikes alone. watched sunsets alone.
walked alone. ate alone. came home alone. got lost alone.

but i was proud, because everything i did, i did it without a hand.

six months of solitude and reflection, i was still me.
only stronger and more enduring.
i was done with taiwan.

taiwan was lonely. but in those six months of self-torture in taiwan, i learned one thing. there is no pity or sympathy because we do it to ourselves. those successful in life never allow their surroundings to control them; they control their surroundings. i booked a ticket for the next week to come home, and i told everyone about the wonderful time i spent abroad. thats all i told them, thats all they need to know, because the story of my life belongs only to me.

lil lam.

today

it took me 5 hours to get out of the house
thats how so very hard it was for me today

friday i watched a made-in-china film
i dont usually watch low budget china movies
but zhou xun, whom i fell in love with

in perhaps love, was in the new movie

the equation of love and death -
the movie focused on Li Mi, a taxi driver
she was different from all the other cab drivers
she had it all simplified and figured out
work, love, marriage - life was set

but her parents forbid her to marry the man
he wasnt good enough
they were going to elope
but he realized too he was not good enough
so he left her

4 years later she was still waiting,
same streets, same corners
still reciting his letters
still counting their memories
and marking the days

one scene hit deep -
on an odd day she runs into him
she confronts him
he was adamant he did not know her,
he held another womans hand and walked away
li mi chased them down the street
the strength that carried her foward
for the past 4 years betrayed her

she finally broke down
she recited his letters, she screamed out his goals,
his ambitions, his promises to her and his dreams with her
but today he was to remain unmoved
and they, strangers.

4 years -

and she was still stuck.

watching this i realized something - love isnt a possession
and sometimes love doesnt have to be reciprocal

when you love someone you constantly wish them well
because thats all that matters. them.

love can be one-sided.

it was a good movie.

hlam

*i started this blog with the title taiwan - see how i went off on a tangent ~*

i think i can .... nigero !!!

sometimes i feel like a hamster when im on a treadmill
sometimes i wish i was a hamster then i can skip out on the thinking part

i think alot on the treadmill
i think about where i've ran to, what i've ran from
and where i am running toward

i think about my feet
i think about how far theyve taken me
i think about my mind
and how far that has taken me

i think i like running
it keeps me grounded, it reminds me to pace myself,
it reminds me to constantly breathe,
it reminds me that we all need a duration
a destination, and a purpose

im coming down with a cold today
and i feel a little fuzzy but i needed this run today

the last 2 weeks have proved to me
how imperfect i am
that i can fail miserably
that i too can be prone to failures

i realized that i am the average person

lam

august 2008

2008, not so very great

it took me this long to realize being female can be so rough
and this tough

we are sex symbols
properties, possessions, nothing but sex objects,
and for a lack of better terms

just a piece of meat

in many situations we are only an enticing piece of meat;
at work, at social gatherings, amongst friends,
and even at home, amongst family,
bringing about some of the greatest
betrayals, resentments, and disappointments.

these situations wreck havoc
and cause irreversible damage
but they also reveal the true colors of
mankind/ woman kind / or whatever kind
sadly, i've seen it and now believe it.

august 2008 -
im cursed with another face slapping reality
yet, im blessed with this eye-opener, this life-changer, making me only stronger.

little lam

july two

the time ive spent away from blogging
ive spent trying to avoid thinking.

tomorrow i turn a year older
and again, the days leading to july two
i cant help but to reflect who i am today
who i was before tomorrow
and who i will be after wednesday

i have been fighting.
sometimes i fight and fall, fall and hurt, and hurt and cry
but i convince myself to fight to stand fight to breathe,
and fight to live

ive long lived in this metal armor
and nearly forgotten who i am
chickflicks still make me bawl but you'll never see it
airports make my heart ache and ill never take you.
cemetaries i hate and will never talk about
the site of a needle will weaken me at the knee
and once in a while, like an old train,
i will come off the tracks and i will breakdown.

the every days of the last 25 years have been a fight
sometimes i come outta the ring a winner
and sometimes im pounded and remembered as a nobody

a warrior ive pushed myself to be
but behind all this armor i am only me.
and i am allowed to cry.

just today. let me cry.
cause it has hurt this much to get this far
to find even a grain of strength.

im only me.

hl july 1 2008
swt home san diego

dear god

i wanna be a ball of cloud
i wanna belong to the sky
i wanna float through time
channel through life
and just keep floating

i wish i were a ball of cloud

i wouldnt care about direction
wouldnt acknowledge people
and wouldnt recognize emotions

i'd only belong to the sky
and float through life
like a ball of cloud

please god,
turn me into
a big ball of cloud

hlam.
05272008

the lonesome puppy

this book is about an oversized dog overlooked due to his ginormous size, and therefore endures loneliness. one day he meets a young girl by surprise. their lives took a twist, fate took a spin. this lonesome puppy, who had longed for companionship found his life's bestest friend. hl.

ive always enjoyed yoshitomo nara's artwork.

the first time i picked up a copy was about 3 years ago
in a japanese book store in sf
i was intrigued then

half a year later at my lowest i was again drawn to his art
his characters gave me a voice,
they spoke on my behalf about happiness and sadness,
frustrations and annoyances, hope and disappointment, anger and passion
all of which i could never successfully acknowledge or express.

nara's 2006 calender is still hanging on my wall.

april of every year

two stools, two bikes, two people

spring 2007
i had one of the happiest aprils ever
i never thought that could happen
after a history of april disappointments

sometime before i die

i wanna run through a field of sakuras again
i wanna sit under the blossomed flowers and picnic

i wanna see japan in a blanket of snow
and relive that magical feeling
of a white christmas

and if i were to die
id want it to happen in spring
so my ashes can be scattered
where the cherry blossoms grow

japan, just 3 more times.


hl

april one

two thousand ...three...

he leapt from the 24th floor to fly ...

he left behind his baggage ...

and he flew high ...

away from all his fears he flew -

leslie cheung

1956-2003

strawberry parfait

i knew of only one place in this city for strawberry parfait.
i've only had it there so i always knew of it as the best.

a year later they stopped carrying strawberry parfait.
i never had parfait again.
that was about 8 years ago.
i thought about this driving by the area today

this should answer your question.
do you think love has an expiration date?
asked my coworker weeks ago.

the consumer demand for the parfait expired.
the strawberry expired.
the shelf life expired.

like the parfait,
alot of things in life will expire.

there may be today.
there may be tomorrow.
but there is no such thing as forever.

thats as best i can answer your question

ill have to live til the end to find out if forever indeed exists


hl
lil lam living reality
3.30.08
3.54am

too lusty or too much caution?

recently i heard someone bought this dvd,

watched it,

was disgusted,

and is looking for someone else to give it away to.

i dont think this film is about nudity or sex

i dont think this film is about the blood & grudge of ww2

i dont think this film is about ang lee or his hollywood attempt

this film is about the way he secretly looked at her
and the way she secretly looked at him

this film is about the way she convinced him she loved him
and how he finally compromised with loving her

this film is about the way he convinced her he loved her
and how she finally compromised with loving him

the series of events
open the pages of a love
short-lived
with no ending

im waiting for a limited edition to be released.

hl
lost in thought tonight

3.18.08 11.48pm

this song

this song

the accident didnt rip any skin or bone
just an aching body, a mild concussion,
and then i started humming this song.

whether i am brushing my teeth
or staring at the computer screen,
waiting to fall asleep when night falls
or awakening to the recent morning chill,
this song has been loop playing in my head.
i dont like that.

but i like the song.




a lil lam in time
march 1 2008
5:01am

dinosaurs are extinct

lil lams reality-vision campaign welcomes

the lamotto of 2008

dinosaurs appeared some 200 million years ago.

sadly, some crazy catastrophic event led to their final extinction.

what's left today are fossils, recreations, and tall tall tales,

leaving the audience to ponder about its' ever existence.

one thing i've become certain of over the past years, months, weeks,

days, hours, minutes, and even up to this very second -

love is dead like dinosaurs. extinct!

but unlike dinosaurs there are no fossils or surviving proof of it.

only those tall tall tall tall tales of watchamacallit L@v3

lam @ real time

10:46pm

** i believe in love. i just dont believe it will happen to me **

hlam 10.20.08 12:33am

perhaps love

ive been thinking much about jacky cheung's concert
and about the reenactments from perhaps love

this brief segment of the concert has signifcant value to me

i owe it this

this musical told the story of 3 artists
who only sought beautiful things in life
and the greatest beauty of all -

love

they fought and battled for this beauty
the aggression and desperation began
the beauty of love diminished
the innocence defiled

love became an unspeakable unfathomable tragic

it started with a naive love between two people
this sweet bitter love story soon faded
such mishap adversely leads to another man's fortune
he finds her, he loves her
he possesses her

and wants to conquer all of her

she loved him back
but also loved her past
unable to detangle herself from the past
and unable to give her all to the present

she wanted to move forward

but couldnt help to look backward

they each become a part of the triangle

the three corners could never meet , could never connect

would never be complete ...

... perhaps, love

*from the producer & director of comrades, almost a love story*

lil lam

another weekend day

i stand alone

january 2007 - i slept through life

february 2007 - i continued sleeping

march 2007 - i awoke from my slumber in haze

april 2007 - i smiled some

may 2007 - i found solitude

june 2007 - i reflected

july 2007 - i turned 24

august 2007 - i smiled a little more

september 2007 - i was ready to go home

october 2007 - i found some strength

november 2007 - i found some motivation

december 2007 - i'm ready to stand alone

some people can't be replaced, and some memories can't be taken away.

they call it growing pains....
but i've tread the paths, endured the pain, and left my marks...

they call it emotional baggage..
i call it history in the making...
and in this book of history....

i crawled, dragged my feet, but finally learned to walk.

It's taken this long, but I'm ready for 2008 - to finally stand alone.

image borrowed from yoshitomo nara

2007 was fair, but 2008 will be gre8t! (with an 8)

a song to end the year

an ode to life & music by justin lo

hl

12.31.07

2:52 am

jacky says...

there's a price to pay to growing up

growth is a long difficult process

growing up, you will experience happiness and then sadness

or sadness and then happiness

and this will continue to alternate and fluctuate throughout your entire life

2003 was the worst year of jacky's life and career as he bid farewell to two of his friends

then came 2005, the best year of his life

as he was blessed with a daughter

lessons dont come easy

thats the price to pay for growing up

you just have to live through the sadness

and look foward to the happiness

*above was summarized from the concert with a twist of the lam*

jacky rocked the house.

he kicked off the concert with a couple of fast songs and dances

and this continued throughout the concert,

he sang a few of his more known classics

and he finished the concert with reenactments from perhaps love

my favorite song?

i still think you were the best

i believe in music;

i believe it can drive you to tears...

if you believe in music....

if you believe in music....

... then you'll believe that it can move you to tears ....

few singers and few songs have that power over me

jacky cheung is one of them.

everytime he throws a world tour, im determined to go;

but not determined enough that i never end up going.

accurately speaking, not courageous enough.

jacky's music strings together the pages of a big chapter in my life.

December 23 Sunday @ 8pm
Caesars Palace

I've got no where to run.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghlrZy-eznI&feature=related

5:21 am

I sat 3 hours in traffic from San Diego to Los Angeles yesterday to interview him at the press conference.

The drive was frustrating, but his charm and genuineness, made it worth it.

I sat 4 hours in traffic again today to the USC Galen Center to see him perform.

The sincerity of his songs and the power of his voice made it worth it.

Wakin's music soothed my mind while I was growing up. As an adult, his music continues to do so. It's 5:21 in the morning and I'm still sitting here replaying every scene from yesterday and today.

It has been so long since I listened to some of the songs performed tonight. It felt like Wakin was singing our history, bringing us to the past, and reciting to us our stories. Every song stirred up an old feeling, a familar emotion. Every song was attached to a unique feeling, a unique moment, and only Wakin could bring us to reliving it.

In memory of Wakin's 20th anniversary - I shook his hand and gave him a hug.

Thanks for an incredible interview and experience.

HL

6 months later

after 6 months of soul rejuvenation, i feel alive again.

the eyes that could not open to see any sort of beauty is peering again.

life is placed right before me, and im gonna live it.

lust & caution

lust, caution

so beautiful is love to see, yet impossible to hold

hl

october 2007

music that moves -

... emil chau ....

see email chau live in SF & LA

his voice was music to my ears for a long length of time during childhood and adoloscense. music then flowed into my ears like a stream of joy. after college, i stopped listening to music altogether.


music became broken chords, each key and pitch, ignited a different emotion - and each emotion triggered a series of memories like one shuffling through flashcards.

i had forgotten the sheer existence of his music in my life until coming across a poster in LA. November 9, 2007 @ 8:30pm on USC grounds, Emil Chau will be performing. Come and join me in the orchestras for a night to remember.

it was one of the wong kar wai's movies, ashes of time, that one of the characters uttered these words, the more you want to forget, the more you remember.

me in san diego

10.01.07 @ 3:33am , and lovin' it

hl

it starts with a "B"

the first blog ever posted on lam it! concerned toys...toys and more boxes of toyz....


i cant emphasize enough what money can buy - happiness ...
... and what toys can do - happiness ...


whether it be momentary or not; shit - live the moment, enjoy and embrace every emotions creeping and crawling up and down your spine.


happiness comes simplest for me - of all the B words, you never thought it could be this could you ... be@rbrick




hl

confessions of a lam

confessions of a lam

so i finally uploaded a photo for my user profile.
and nonetheless its yoshitomo nara's work i settled on.
perhaps the inexplicable is best explained through sketches of pissed little kids.

fighting it says. right at birth your are fighting to suckle to stay alive, when death meets, you are again fighting - only this time to take the next breath, praying its not your last.

more than half of your life you will be fighting - for what is rightfully yours,

wrongfully yours, or never meant to be yours.

the days approaching the big 24 is dreadful.
for one, since childhood ive deemed 4 as my ominous digit.
having nearly reached a quarter of a century, i look back on my trail and my footsteps, and cannot name one big accomplishment. the only conversation you can reel out of me with or without the effect of alcohol pertains only to life - the if's and what if's, why and how of life.

im still a kid trying to see the world - some days in my shell, some days out.

i got on a rollercoaster ride with no destination.
it won't stop for you to get off let alone catch your breath.
similarly, the world wont stop rotating because you're stumped.
you've just gotta breathe it in and embrace it.

like alot of things - i dont know what it means to be 24.
but i hope it takes me somewhere.

lil lam
taoyuan, taiwan
07/01/07
2:08am

ice cream burrito

for $1.50usd you get this to die for burrito ice cream.

its a thin layer of chinese tortilla, some shredded seaweed, and fresh carved peanuts wrapped with 2 scoops of ice cream (taro and strawberry flavors).

the flavor ? not as sapid as a haggen diaz but
im tellin ya - only taiwan can pull this kinda stuff off

hl

never settle for less

check out the specs on this black beauty

it should be going for $999USD body & kit

mine mine mine

hopefully before the dragon boat festival this week

this new wave of three fourths photograhy pioneered by olympus brings to you

a prosumer camera fully equipped with digital magic which

nontheless includes live preview options - its just to die for

toss it into your carts as it hits the shelves

hl

i fell in love ...

two weeks ago with this ....

Canon EOS 400D Digital Rebel XTi

Thats right - the rebel redefining photography -

soon to be in my hands.

stay tuned.

the beauty of life

The crime of suicide lies in its disregard for the feelings of those whom we leave behind.

E. M. Forster (1879-1970)

myoden tokyo

4.7.07 - myoden tokyo

look around you -

amid the distractions, there's tranquility

it just starts from within

no expections, no disappointments.

hl

mountain fuji april 2007

富士山下

good evening from taiwan

good evening from the land of formosa.

puni - sweet & chewy on the outside, killer sour inside.
robitussin w. a honey filling at 59tpe a box (divide amt by 33 for usd)

a solo dinner @ 8:30pm 3.14.07; the bag includes a sushi box, strawberry mentos, and green tea with no sugar & lemon soda w. vita C to heal the illness

midnight snack after a stroll at the local 24 hr market & an unfilling sushi dinner - 3.14.07 at 1:30am. tian bu la - a bowl of vegies and tofu splashed with a slight pink colored sweet and sour sauce. ruo wan - a chewy flour pocketing a tiny meat ball in the center also splashed w pink sauce.

this is lil lam signing out on 3.15.07 @ 7:25pm from taoyuan city, taiwan

mountain fuji

i am beginning to believe all the greatest wonders in life are not meant for keeps -

mountain fuji

something to ponder ~

Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow-

You are not wrong, who deem That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand Grains of the golden sand-

How few! yet how they creep Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep- while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem But a dream within a dream?

- a dream within a dream Edgar Allan Poe