sometime last week the weather was rainy and murky, and i laid in bed without a purpose -
an old feeling came over me that brought me back to taiwan.
an old feeling came over me that brought me back to taiwan.
i rarely talk about taiwan, and if i did id only rave about whats expected -
the food, the experience to travel, the youth to see the world,
and all that other way too familar cliches.
i grew up in a family where love & care, heart aches & breaks,
feelings and emotions, failure and shame were never talked about.
when running into these experiences, they morphed into predicaments
i could not understand, explain, process, and accept.
so i did what everyone does best- ran
i arrived in taiwan early february. taiwan was no different.
i still had the same shadow. i had the same reflection in the mirror.
i could still feel the same limbs when waking up,
and that familar morning foot sore from an old injury.
i thought i had filtered out the noises - family, friends, my so-called career.
feelings of idleness and sadness. but there was still so much emptiness.
i had one friend. i lived alone in a 2 story studio.
taiwan was always overcast and showers.
most mornings are disrupted by drums and chants
by family members marching the streets as part of a funeral custom.
in the evenings dump trunks parade the streets with jingles blasting from loud-speakers
reminding you to wait at the curb with your garbage and recyclelabes.
i could hear the rain, the dead, and the dumpster -
i take the same walks and hikes because i only recognize one path.
i only go to one mall, one market, one movie theatre,
because i only knew how to take one bus route.
i could only go to taipei and back because i couldnt stand on a train for over an hr.
those six months were difficult. i hiked alot and stayed in bed alot.
id lay awake in a fetal position and wonder what the hell i was doing on this island.
sleeping pills helped me sleep for 12 hours straight
and if i woke up before the 12th hour, i'd be crabby and groggy the whole day.
on holidays, and days like valentines, and mothers day id spend alone.
i took my camera and took hikes alone. watched sunsets alone.
walked alone. ate alone. came home alone. got lost alone.
but i was proud, because everything i did, i did it without a hand.
six months of solitude and reflection, i was still me.
only stronger and more enduring.
i was done with taiwan.
taiwan was lonely. but in those six months of self-torture in taiwan, i learned one thing. there is no pity or sympathy because we do it to ourselves. those successful in life never allow their surroundings to control them; they control their surroundings. i booked a ticket for the next week to come home, and i told everyone about the wonderful time i spent abroad. thats all i told them, thats all they need to know, because the story of my life belongs only to me.
lil lam.
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