the other taiwan

sometime last week the weather was rainy and murky, and i laid in bed without a purpose -
an old feeling came over me that brought me back to taiwan.

i rarely talk about taiwan, and if i did id only rave about whats expected -
the food, the experience to travel, the youth to see the world,
and all that other way too familar cliches.

i grew up in a family where love & care, heart aches & breaks,
feelings and emotions, failure and shame were never talked about.
when running into these experiences, they morphed into predicaments
i could not understand, explain, process, and accept.
so i did what everyone does best- ran

i arrived in taiwan early february. taiwan was no different.
i still had the same shadow. i had the same reflection in the mirror.
i could still feel the same limbs when waking up,
and that familar morning foot sore from an old injury.

i thought i had filtered out the noises - family, friends, my so-called career.
feelings of idleness and sadness. but there was still so much emptiness.

i had one friend. i lived alone in a 2 story studio.
taiwan was always overcast and showers.
most mornings are disrupted by drums and chants
by family members marching the streets as part of a funeral custom.
in the evenings dump trunks parade the streets with jingles blasting from loud-speakers
reminding you to wait at the curb with your garbage and recyclelabes.
i could hear the rain, the dead, and the dumpster -

i take the same walks and hikes because i only recognize one path.
i only go to one mall, one market, one movie theatre,
because i only knew how to take one bus route.
i could only go to taipei and back because i couldnt stand on a train for over an hr.

those six months were difficult. i hiked alot and stayed in bed alot.
id lay awake in a fetal position and wonder what the hell i was doing on this island.
sleeping pills helped me sleep for 12 hours straight
and if i woke up before the 12th hour, i'd be crabby and groggy the whole day.

on holidays, and days like valentines, and mothers day id spend alone.
i took my camera and took hikes alone. watched sunsets alone.
walked alone. ate alone. came home alone. got lost alone.

but i was proud, because everything i did, i did it without a hand.

six months of solitude and reflection, i was still me.
only stronger and more enduring.
i was done with taiwan.

taiwan was lonely. but in those six months of self-torture in taiwan, i learned one thing. there is no pity or sympathy because we do it to ourselves. those successful in life never allow their surroundings to control them; they control their surroundings. i booked a ticket for the next week to come home, and i told everyone about the wonderful time i spent abroad. thats all i told them, thats all they need to know, because the story of my life belongs only to me.

lil lam.

today

it took me 5 hours to get out of the house
thats how so very hard it was for me today

friday i watched a made-in-china film
i dont usually watch low budget china movies
but zhou xun, whom i fell in love with

in perhaps love, was in the new movie

the equation of love and death -
the movie focused on Li Mi, a taxi driver
she was different from all the other cab drivers
she had it all simplified and figured out
work, love, marriage - life was set

but her parents forbid her to marry the man
he wasnt good enough
they were going to elope
but he realized too he was not good enough
so he left her

4 years later she was still waiting,
same streets, same corners
still reciting his letters
still counting their memories
and marking the days

one scene hit deep -
on an odd day she runs into him
she confronts him
he was adamant he did not know her,
he held another womans hand and walked away
li mi chased them down the street
the strength that carried her foward
for the past 4 years betrayed her

she finally broke down
she recited his letters, she screamed out his goals,
his ambitions, his promises to her and his dreams with her
but today he was to remain unmoved
and they, strangers.

4 years -

and she was still stuck.

watching this i realized something - love isnt a possession
and sometimes love doesnt have to be reciprocal

when you love someone you constantly wish them well
because thats all that matters. them.

love can be one-sided.

it was a good movie.

hlam

*i started this blog with the title taiwan - see how i went off on a tangent ~*