july two

the time ive spent away from blogging
ive spent trying to avoid thinking.

tomorrow i turn a year older
and again, the days leading to july two
i cant help but to reflect who i am today
who i was before tomorrow
and who i will be after wednesday

i have been fighting.
sometimes i fight and fall, fall and hurt, and hurt and cry
but i convince myself to fight to stand fight to breathe,
and fight to live

ive long lived in this metal armor
and nearly forgotten who i am
chickflicks still make me bawl but you'll never see it
airports make my heart ache and ill never take you.
cemetaries i hate and will never talk about
the site of a needle will weaken me at the knee
and once in a while, like an old train,
i will come off the tracks and i will breakdown.

the every days of the last 25 years have been a fight
sometimes i come outta the ring a winner
and sometimes im pounded and remembered as a nobody

a warrior ive pushed myself to be
but behind all this armor i am only me.
and i am allowed to cry.

just today. let me cry.
cause it has hurt this much to get this far
to find even a grain of strength.

im only me.

hl july 1 2008
swt home san diego